Today's episode is a bit of a vulnerable one...I'm sharing an area of my life that I'm incredibly unhappy with and what I'm doing to change it. If you have a goal to change something in your life but you're finding it incredibly difficult to reach it, then you'll want to listen to today's episode. I'm unpacking what I believe is the key strategy that all of us overlook, and giving you tips on how you can begin to implement this strategy TODAY.
Are you sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed by all the things? I can help. Schedule a free consult today.
Come join the SLP Support Group on Facebook for more tips and tricks!
Follow me on Instagram! @theresamharp
Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.
Today's episode is a bit of a vulnerable one...I'm sharing an area of my life that I'm incredibly unhappy with and what I'm doing to change it. If you have a goal to change something in your life but you're finding it incredibly difficult to reach it, then you'll want to listen to today's episode. I'm unpacking what I believe is the key strategy that all of us overlook, and giving you tips on how you can begin to implement this strategy TODAY.
Are you sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed by all the things? I can help. Schedule a free consult today.
Come join the SLP Support Group on Facebook for more tips and tricks!
Follow me on Instagram! @theresamharp
Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.
This is your speech path mindful time management for the busy SLP. My name is Teresa Harp and, as a mom and speech pathologist turned productivity coach, I know a thing or two about how hectic life can be. If you're an SLP who's overworked, burnout and feeling like you're constantly falling short as a therapist and a mom, then this is the podcast for you. I cover time management and mindset strategies so you can learn to love your work and your home life at the same time. Let's dive in. Hey SLPs, welcome to episode 31 of the podcast.
Speaker 1:I don't know what this podcast episode is going to be called yet, so not going to reference the name, but in my mind what it's called is who before how? I don't think that's going to be the actual title, but that's just sort of what's floating through my brain right now. And full disclosure. This is very much off the cuff, not prepared, not outlined, just me talking, and I'm imagining that we are, I don't know, hanging out, I would say having coffee together, but I don't drink coffee, so chances are for me it would be like having a glass of wine on the couch, cozy, kids are asleep or gone out of the house, and we're just chatting right. In reality, though, that's not the case. My kids are out of the house, but I'm not drinking wine, I'm not on the couch, but we are chatting in my brain, so what I want to talk about today is something that is it's been coming up a lot for me lately, showing up in different ways, and it's a concept that is certainly not my concept, but it is something that I really think we all need to hear. You need to hear this, I need to hear this, we all need to hear this and, sorry, my mind went to Oprah you get a car, you get a car. I'm not handing out cars, but I am handing out unsolicited advice, so if you're here for that, then you are in luck. Okay, so I've been working with clients for with coaching clients for a couple of years now, and I think it's been three years, has it? Yeah, roughly that, and one of the things that I have learned and that I'm continuing to learn is this concept of who before, how, or this concept of becoming the identity, and what I'm talking about when I say that is really in reference to when you want to make a significant change in your life, and the reason why I, why this is coming up for me today. I'll be totally honest, and you know we're just chatting right.
Speaker 1:So I had a really crappy morning with the kids getting ready for school, and this is a cycle in our, in our morning routine, if I'm being honest, where I I yell, I get angry, I get frustrated, I lose my cool, and it is for whatever reason. Mornings tend to be very triggering for me and I am not okay with it. I don't like it, it feels lousy, it. You know, I could go on and on right. There's a million reasons why I don't like it, and I was very much aware of it all throughout last year when my husband was deployed. You know, I just had very little bandwidth, so to speak, in terms of energy, in terms of, you know, physical energy, mental energy, emotional energy, all of that, and I was, quite frankly, in survival mode. It was like just survival. It was just, you know, we got to do this, we got to do this, we got to do this, and my standards were lower. I was trying to go easier on myself, and so I didn't really attempt to change the way that the mornings were going. It was just kind of like I didn't even have the capacity if I wanted to make the change, like I didn't even have the capacity to do it.
Speaker 1:But it's a new year, my husband's back, and this has been because it's been something that's been bothering me for a while. I wholeheartedly feel that I am ready to shift to the way our mornings look, and I'm not saying that I, that every morning is like this. I'm not saying that you know, the whole morning is like this. I'm just talking about reflecting on the routine and acknowledging parts of it where I showed up in a way that I don't like to see, that I don't like to be, I don't like to feel, and so I want to change it.
Speaker 1:Okay, and as I was talking, I had a therapy session this morning, not a speech therapy session, a therapy session for me, and I love my therapist because she is hilarious and humor is definitely one of my values and one of the ways that I cope. And so I sent her an email and I said before our session, and I said I just want to let you know this morning's topic is going to be my morning routine, and I'm telling you this so that you can call me on it and not let myself, so that I don't let myself stick my head in the sand, which is what would be easier to do, right? Because after I dropped the kids off, I felt really crappy. I felt shame, I felt disappointed, I don't know, maybe frustrated, sad, just like crappy feelings. And it would be easier to and in the past, what I normally would do would be to buffer, to just kind of, like I said, stick my head in the sand, avoid it. I don't want to deal with this, I'm just going to like, move on. You know you don't have time to reset, you don't have time to deal with this, you don't have time to worry about it, just move on, it's done, can't change it sort of mentality, and that is what has kept me stuck here for so long. That is why this pattern has persisted.
Speaker 1:It's one of the reasons why this pattern has persisted, and so I knew that, in order to make the change, I really needed to confront it and talk about it and figure out what I wanted to do about it. And in our conversation, as we were sort of strategizing, one of the things that I shared was that I believe that the one piece that will make a difference for me and help me be successful in changing the way I show up in the mornings is to change the way I see myself as a mom, as a person, as a human in general, and in the mornings specifically and basically, what I'm saying is in my mind I'm talking about my identity. The way that I sort of view myself is as someone who is. This is hard, this is hard to describe, I guess if we're talking about specifically in the morning routines, I see myself as a crazy person, just a total nut, like I'm very focused on checking the boxes, doing what needs to be done to get out the door, and it's because I'm trying to get four kids ages 8, 8, 6, and 4, out the door on time on my own, and it's hard and it's stressful. And so the way I view myself, my identity, is I'm a stressed mom who's frantic, who's frenetic, who is kind of barking out orders, commands, demands, blah, blah, blah. And so if I continue to see myself like that, to think about myself like that, then I'm going to continue to see myself like that and think of myself like that and show up like that. I mean it's not rocket science, but it needs to be said because what I do not see myself as, how I don't see myself is as calm. I definitely don't see myself as a calm mom in the morning. I don't see myself as a patient mom in the morning. I don't see myself as a present mom in the morning. I'm not very present, quite frankly. I'm like I'm thinking three steps ahead, four steps ahead. So in order for me to really change this behavior, I have to change my identity. I have to change the way I think about myself and the way that I see myself. And that is the piece, in my opinion, that so many of us overlook. We think that we will become that identity after we make the habitual or systematic changes. So here's maybe another way that this, like another example of how this shows up People who want to lose weight or get I don't know more fit.
Speaker 1:Let's say, you want to lose I don't know 30 pounds, which seems astronomical in your mind. And all you do, all you see, when you look at yourself, when you think about yourself, you see yourself as someone who is overweight. You see yourself as someone who's out of shape. You see yourself as someone who's unhealthy. Well, I'm unhealthy, I'm overweight, I'm this, I'm that. And when you see yourself like that, when you think about yourself like that. You continue to show up like that, you continue to make choices that are in alignment with that identity. So you're going to? Well, yeah, I'm just going to grab the cookies, because that's what I do.
Speaker 1:I'm overweight? Well, I guess I'm just going to, even if, let's say, you have this plan in terms of what you're eating in a day and you've got your meal plan and you deviate and you eat something that, in your mind, is going to just totally derail your progress. And then you kind of say, well, of course I ate the french fries, Of course I ordered the dessert because I'm overweight, I'm unhealthy, that's what I do. And then what that results in is a bunch of crappy feelings and you continuing to make choices like that, to make excuses like that, and this is like tough love. This is again. This is me too. I just shared with you a pretty vulnerable example of how this shows up for me. So I am not the exception here. I'm very much in it with you and I want to share this message with you for two reasons One, selfishly, because this is the message I need to hear, and two, because I really think that you need to hear it as well. I think it's something that you can begin to shift in order to help yourself make change.
Speaker 1:It's the beginning of the year as I'm recording this episode. We're all pretty gung-ho on goals, resolutions, if that's what you call them New habits, new year, new me or new year, new decisions, better choices, blah, blah, blah. So this is a very timely topic and it's something that isn't talked about enough. Why don't we talk about it? Well, I think number one it's really flipping hard.
Speaker 1:How do you see yourself as a healthy person, how do you see yourself as a calm parent, when you are 30 pounds overweight or having mental breakdowns in front of your children in the morning? It's counterintuitive. That is an example of cognitive dissonance, and that's a term that I've talked about here in the podcast before. I really need to do an episode on cognitive dissonance. In and of itself, maybe I'll do that. I'm going to write that down but it is a gap between two views or beliefs about yourself, and in this case it's like well, I want to be healthy, but I see myself as overweight, unhealthy. I want to be calm, but I see myself as angry, and so it's very hard to shift your identity when you don't see the evidence of that identity. And that's actually one of the first ways that you can begin shifting the identity is to look for the evidence.
Speaker 1:So, for example, if I'm trying to shift the way I see myself as a parent, the way I identify as a parent, if I want to become this calm and in control parent overall, then I need to look for moments where I show up like that and my brain is gonna skip over those moments and not recognize them. It's just gonna ignore them because my brain is used to seeing myself as the crazy mom, as the angry mom, right. So I might need to recognize the moments, even if they're micro moments, of where I show up where I think act, respond, in control, calm, collected, whatever, you know, whatever. And I need to look for those moments, I need to recognize those moments, I need to acknowledge them and I need to do that often and I need to do that repeatedly, and the more I do that, the easier it will become to find those moments and the more the frequency of those moments will increase. Same thing for showing up the example of becoming healthy right, of losing weight, of being fit. You need to find the moments where you do show up that way where you do make the choices that are what you consider to be healthy, okay.
Speaker 1:And one of the barriers that gets in the way of us doing this is all or nothing thinking. We have this definition of what we think you know an identity is so, for example, you have a definition in your mind of what healthy means, of what calm means, and if you show up in a way that isn't exactly like that definition, you're either going to completely overlook it or you might notice it, but you're gonna discredit it. Yeah well, I ate the salad, but I had I don't know the dressing that isn't the healthiest dressing. So you know, couldn't even get that right, can't even eat a salad, right, right, like. That's the mentality, that's the negative self-talk, that's the all or nothing thinking, where instead we have to say, wow, all right, I had a salad, that's great. I didn't have a burger and fries or whatever you know you think of as an unhealthy meal. And so you have to identify those micro moments and not allow yourself, not allow yourself, not allow your brain to get stuck in all or nothing thinking.
Speaker 1:This came up recently with one of my clients who I love and adore. I don't know if she's listening to this, but she is working on her health and wellness. She's working on making time for fitness, making time to take care of herself. She wants to lose weight, she wants to feel better in her skin and her clothes. All of that right. And so we had to really coach on thinking like the person who already has the result, thinking like the person who is 30 pounds lighter, thinking like the person who is active and fit.
Speaker 1:Because the more she was thinking and seeing herself as the unhealthy, overweight person, the more she was feeling discouraged, the more she was feeling stuck, the more she was feeling powerless, trapped right and was continuing to make choices like oh well, I was supposed to stop working at four o'clock today so that I could go get my 30 minutes of exercise in or go get my 15 minutes of movement in, but the time came and I just kept working. Okay, if that was a conscious decision and you're okay with that decision, fine. But if you're telling me that you feel unhealthy and that you really need and want to focus on your fitness, then is that decision serving you? And here's what I think happened in that moment. In that moment where she's deciding do I keep working because I'm not done with everything I was supposed to do, or do I stop and move my body? If she had thought like a healthy person, a fit person and I don't mean to imply that she's not healthy, like I wanna be very, very clear on that but if she's thinking like, oh, I'm just overweight or I'm just unhealthy, then I'm just gonna keep working. But if she's thinking like I'm the person who prioritizes movement, then I've got to move. And if I don't do it now, when am I gonna do it? And she'll answer that question and then go do it later. Right, this happens.
Speaker 1:This comes up in, I don't know for any of you that use Peloton so or like use the app so a lot of the trainers in Peloton will say if you wanna be a runner, like if you're running, you're a runner, congratulations, you're a runner. If you wanna be a runner, run, just run, just move your feet right. Don't discredit how your identity as a runner air quotes because you didn't go fast enough, because you didn't go far enough, because you didn't go whatever, right, and then run. If you start thinking of yourself as a runner before you actually believe it, before you actually see yourself that way and then truly believe it. If you think about yourself as a runner, then what does a runner do? A runner puts her running shoes on. A runner makes time or takes time to go to run. A runner, you know, picks out what her trail or what her course is going to be before she does it. A runner, you know, sets her alarm so that she's waking up at a certain time. A runner joins a running club. A runner finds an accountability partner. A runner is, you know, reading about or looking at like articles on running right. So I'm not saying that if you don't do those things, that you're not a runner. What I'm saying is that if you're thinking like a runner and identifying yourself as a runner, then you're going to start embodying that, you're going to start encompassing that. It's going to start coming into your psyche, coming into your world in different ways, in different contexts, and you will settle in on the pieces of it that feel good and fit for you and those are the ones that you'll take with you and that you'll embody and stick with. Right. But you have to think like a runner first, even before you are.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is I don't know if any of you have read Atomic Habits. It's one of my favorite books, I guess. Yeah, I would say it's one of my favorite books in terms of, like business, nonfiction type books, and the author talks about this concept in his book James Clear. It's written by James Clear, if you haven't read it and you're interested, and he talks about how there's three levels. I think is what he says, three levels of creating change. And those three levels are the first level is like the outermost level or layer.
Speaker 1:It is the piece about the outcome, like, if we're sticking with the example of fitness, it would be I want to lose 20 pounds, like that is it. I'm losing weight, like that layer of the habit is about meeting that goal. Then there's the second layer, which is the processes, which is like the how to. What are you going to do? How are you going to lose the weight? What do you have to do? Right? And then the third layer this is the layer that I'm talking about. It's the identity. It's changing your identity and again, we think that our identity will change when we have the have the outcome, when we use the processes. But we have to flip the script. If you flip the script, if you flip the order, reverse the order and think like the identity.
Speaker 1:First you, I promise you, you are going to experience changes in a way that you probably have never experienced. It's a practice. It's going to feel uncomfortable, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be familiar, it's going to feel awkward, it's not going to feel effective. Right, I can't see myself as healthy. I can't think of myself as healthy when I put my clothes on and they don't fit well. I can't think of myself as healthy when I go up the stairs and I'm winded. I can't think of myself as healthy when I, you know, can't run around outside with my kids.
Speaker 1:And then you need to start finding the moments where you are healthy. You need to shift your definition of healthy. Broaden your definition of healthy Now. Broaden your version of healthy Now. Cast that wider net. Maybe okay, maybe you know you shift your definition of healthy. Healthy is getting enough sleep at night. Healthy is just going outside, whether you're running around with your kids or not, maybe healthy is pushing them on the swing.
Speaker 1:Right, shift your definition, lower the standard in a way. That's essentially what I'm saying. Lower the standard a bit and broaden your definition and then look for those micro moments where you show up that way. Look for those micro moments, catch them and identify them, acknowledge them, celebrate them. Don't skip over them, because the more you notice them, the more you'll become aware of them. Right, that's how you shift your thinking. You have to think about who you want to be. Who do you want to be when you hit this goal? Who do you want to be and when you think like that person, when you show up as, show up as that person. The other pieces, the processes, the outcomes, right, the strategies, the result, those will come. Those will come as the byproduct of thinking like the identity who before? How? Become the who before, how?
Speaker 1:Now, to bring this sort of full circle, or, I guess, to apply this to time management right, if you want to be quote unquote good at time management, first of all, you need to define what that means to you, get really clear on that and then remember what I said broaden your definition. Right, just, good at time management mean that you submit every single thing on time and you reply to every single email within 24 hours and you return every phone call within 48 hours. Like, make your definition and then revisit your definition and lower your standards. If this is something that you haven't achieved yet, if you don't see yourself as that identity yet, lower your standards, cast a wider net of your identity, of your definition of that identity, and then go to work finding evidence of where you show up as the person who's already good at time management. So, when you respond to an email, whether it's 24 hours or 48 hours or whatever, right, okay, well, I replied to this email, so I managed my time.
Speaker 1:When you make a decision to say yes to something or to say no to something, you're managing your time. When you decide that you're going to spend 30 minutes on fitness and you do it, you're managing your time. Let's say, you decide that you want to spend 30 minutes on fitness and you spend 10 minutes on fitness, are you going to discount that 10 minutes because you didn't hit the 30 minutes? And then are you going to say, see, I'm not good at time management, I was supposed to do this for 30 minutes and I only did 10. Or Are you gonna say, hmm, all right, I did 10. And that's what someone who's good at time management would do. They would do 10. Or maybe they would do none, for whatever reason, and they would say it's okay because I know I'll do it the next time.
Speaker 1:It's not a big deal Like for me, I know, with working out, I enjoy exercise. Actually, don't hate me, I do like working out. I find it therapeutic, for whatever reason. But it doesn't mean I always enjoy it and it doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean that I don't skip workouts. And I used to really beat myself up about that, I used to really feel guilty about that and feel I don't know disappointed and blah, blah, blah. But once I let go of that and once I started to embody the identity of someone who prioritizes fitness, I knew that if I skipped a workout here or there, it didn't matter because I prioritize fitness. So at some point it will get back in the schedule. It will happen, I will do it, or maybe I will.
Speaker 1:If I skip the workout, then on that day I'm taking the stairs or parking further in the parking lot, something like that. That last one is just an example and it is not something I would ever do because I have a very weird, annoying obsession of needing to park very close to buildings. But that is something for you know those of you who know me would know that, but I'm just giving hypotheticals, okay. So, and what happened is, when I started to sort of embody that identity, it released this sense of pressure. It alleviated this feeling of pressure of I need to do this all the time, because it was like I was white, knuckling it and saying if I don't do this all the time, then I'll never be. If I don't work out every day or whatever it was, every five days or whatever standard I had set, then I'm not healthy, then I'm not fit, then I'm not active, and so I have to do it all these times or else I'm not. Whereas once I started embodying the identity, even before I got there, I it was interesting I would number one actually show up more frequently. It was easier for me to get there because I was like, okay, well, this is just what I do, this is what someone who prioritizes, you know, movement does. And, on the flip side, it also allowed me to skip some workouts and not freak out about it, not make it a problem, because I had total trust in myself that I would get back on it and I knew that one workout did not make or break my identity as someone who prioritizes fitness.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what I want you to do. What I want to invite you to do is to think about the identity or the identities that you want to embody. Who is it that you want to be Right? And this isn't just one person. Right Like this isn't just one identity. I want to be calm in the morning, so that's the identity that I want and that's the one that I have to embody. Right, that's when I'm going to embody. I have other pieces of me that I am identifying as and embodying as in other areas for the other parts of my life, those other sort of time buckets, those other time buckets of mine that are separate and different, but the same rules, the same approach applies.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what I will invite you to do is number one choose your identity, determine what that identity is right, and I would encourage you and invite you to journal or talk out if you're more of a verbal processor than a written processor. Journal or verbally, discuss what that means to you. What is your definition of that identity? Just brain dump anything that comes to your mind and then go back and look at it and evaluate it, not for right or wrong, but for is this serving me? Is this not serving me. Is this something that I believe and agree with, or is this just something my brain tells me? Right, make changes, modify, remember what I said earlier. Broaden the spectrum like. Broaden your identity of what, for example, someone who's good at time management like what being good at time management is what that looks like. Broaden your identity, okay.
Speaker 1:And then I want you to journal or verbally journal on the ways, the moments, even the micro moments, where you show up as the person who already has that identity, as the person who is good with time management, not as the person who wishes she was good at time management. As the person who is healthy, is fit, not the person who wants to be healthier, wants to be fit. As the person who is calm, not the person who wants to be calm right. Look for those moments, find them, journal on them. It's so much more powerful when you write them down, when you speak them out loud and put them into existence. You can even create like a success log, like an evidence bank, where you're just sort of tracking those moments and keeping that running log and so the evidence, so to speak, grows and grows and you can go back and you look at it and you see it and you recognize your growth over time, because when we are in the moment, it can be very hard to do this. So start with doing it at the end, right After the event.
Speaker 1:Reflect on the event, reflect on the routine and look for those moments. It's great if you can do it in the moment as well. It's just not as easy to do, but eventually you will get there. Well, you will be noticing them, those moments, as they're happening, right, but you gotta start with where you're at, okay, except if we're talking about identity. Right, you gotta start with where you want to be when it comes to identity.
Speaker 1:In terms of strategy, start with where you're at. If you wanna work out for if you won't work out to be exercise to be part of your, of your daily routine, don't start with 60 minutes of exercise or movement if you're at zero right now and it's not very realistic for you to carve out 60 minutes, right. So you have to start with where you're at in terms of strategy. But in terms of thought, work and mindset, you have to start with where you want to be. You have to embody the identity.
Speaker 1:All right, I hope this was helpful. I'm not even editing, I'm not listening back. I just did this in one straight shot, so we'll see how it goes. Let me know what you think, though I'd love for you to pop into our community in the SLP Support Group and let us know you can. Let us know what is the identity that you want to embody and encompass, and we're happy to support you there in the group and give you. I'm always willing to hop on a call and give you strategies and support as well. So the link is in the show notes for the Facebook group, and there's always the link in the show notes for a one-on-one call as well. Charge free complimentary. I just like talking, as you can tell. All right, I will talk to you all next week. Bye, ban the.