156. When “Work Less” Makes You Miserable

I used to think the answer to work-life balance was always “less work” — fewer hours, tighter boundaries, more space. But I recently noticed something uncomfortable: even with a schedule that looked balanced on paper, I was showing up at home more snippy and resentful than calm and present. 

In this episode, I’m talking about the version of imbalance nobody warns you about: when you’ve dialed work down so hard (usually out of burnout fear) that you start playing small, and it quietly leaks into your mood, your energy, and your relationships. If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I still feel off when I’ve done all the ‘right’ things?” this one will land.

• Why “balance” can’t be solved by a perfect schedule (even when the schedule looks ideal)
• How overcorrecting after burnout can lead to playing small — and feeling resentful anyway
• What to look for when you feel cranky/off at home (that actually starts in your work life)
• How to redefine balance as alignment with your values (not just fewer hours)
• A simple question to help you recalibrate without adding more time to your day

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

Come join Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists on Facebook for more tips and tricks!

Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

Hello, podcast listeners. Welcome back to the show. I am organizing, sorry, I'm moving some different pages on my computer so I can see the things I want to see as I'm recording.

How are you all? It is, as I'm recording this, it is the end of my kids' school year and I'm definitely feeling a certain way.

I'm feeling like a number of ways actually today. So I don't know. It's just if you're a parent, if you have, you know, kids that are in school or maybe they're older now, but I'm sure you can relate.

to sort of that mix of emotions that you feel like when they have big milestones and nobody's graduating or anything like that for us.

I do not like, I'm happy about that. I can't even imagine what emotions would come with stuff like high school and college graduation, but it's just sort of like the end and a beginning as well, right?

The end of something and the beginning of something else. And so it just brings up a lot of different thoughts and emotions, but that's not what I'm talking about today.

Just kind of wanted to share as I'm getting going. But this episode, the topic of today's episode is about something that I recently, relatively recently became aware of that I think not enough people are talking about.

And I'm wondering who, if anybody who's listening, who might be able to relate and like what this might shift for you.

And this Is for my high achievers, my SLPs or private practice owners or professionals, whatever work that you do, who are, you know, have always been told and have probably even thought that they want more balance, but yet something still feels off, especially, especially once they, once you make these adjustments to live a balanced life.

Okay. And in true like ADHD fashion and verbal processing fashion, I, I actually have an outline for today's episode, but I'm probably just going to go off the cuff here.

So just bear with me, but I promise that you will walk away with a, a clear reframe of what we're missing when it.

comes to work-life balance and why dialing it down isn't always the answer. Okay. I don't know. I'm sure there's other things you'll get out of this too, but here we go.

Okay. So I hear just like a personal kind of, you know, share here to help illustrate what was going on for me and like where this episode is coming from.

So, and I will try my best to keep this, to keep this tight. So I am, obviously I was trained and certified as an SLP and had a private practice.

Now I work as a certified productivity coach. And what I started noticing recently was I was feeling, I would have these thoughts and different feelings at the end of my work day or after my work

Workday was over and I was in mom mode. And sometimes it like the way that it was mostly showing up was as two things.

One was kind of like frustration with my kids, like snapping at them, having less patience or tolerance. Not that I'm like the most patient or tolerant person to begin with, but just like noticing myself feeling a little bit more like snippy.

Right. And then the other thing that I started to notice was I was also directing that towards my husband and it was like coming out in terms of like I was sort of playing the martyr about things or I was like taking on responsibilities that and like kind of being like, well, I guess I'll do this too.

Or yeah, that's like for mom to do. Like really like going back to a place that I hadn't been in a while and where I was just kind of like assuming that all these responsibilities were my own.

And, you know, I was kind of when I like started looking at it and examining it, what I noticed was this was there was some resentment.

One of the feelings was a feeling of resentment. And I want to be super clear here. I love, love, love, love, love my kids.

I think that's obvious. And my husband as well. And I didn't love how I was showing up as a mom.

Right. And so that's what this is about. Like this is about this is not about me being angry with with having to play the role of mother of mom and motherhood.

It wasn't about like not wanting to do those things, not wanting to spend time with them. But it was I didn't love.

And so when I started to notice that I wasn't loving it, I was like, well, what's going What's on here?

Because the whole point of me working for myself is so that I can be both mom and coach, right?

And in the past, it was so that I could be both mom and SLP. But now it's like, I want to be mom and business owner.

I want both. I don't want one or the other. I don't want to feel torn between the two. I really like that is the whole crux of my work personally.

And then like what What I now help other women do professionally. And the whole point was to be able to enjoy my role as a mom without my work getting in the way.

And I had like on paper design that, you know, I work from home, my hours are when my kids are in school, generally speaking, right.

So on paper, it looked like I had created that but I wasn't feeling aligned, excited, content, like there was definitely something off, long story short, what I ultimately discovered when I started coaching myself through this was that the re it wasn't that I wasn't the reason why I wasn't enjoying the way I showed up as mom, like it wasn't about the motherhood.

It wasn't about my personal life aspect. It was stemming from my work life. Even though I was the boss, even though I had the schedule I want, even though I had the clients that I want.

Right. Like I'm doing work that I love, but there was something off with my work that I was carrying over into my personal life.

Now, this is I don't think that is news for anybody. Right. If you're listening to this podcast, you're probably like, yes, obviously, we know that like we carry our work over into our personal life.

And that's the problem. But what I want you to hear is that even when you think you've solved for this, even when you think that you've created a schedule that you love, it still might not feel quite right.

That may not be the one and only thing that you need to address. And, you know, I say this all the time to my coaching clients in my Facebook group, on the podcast, like it is not work life balance is not about strategy.

It's not about productivity strategies that work and finding the right strategy. Strategies and tools and hacks and tricks. It is about mindset.

It is about how you think, right? It's how you think and how you feel. And yes, strategies and hacks and things like that are helpful.

But if the mindset is off, if the mindset doesn't align in some way, those strategies are not going to help.

And this is a perfect example, right? Because on paper, everything checked off. Like my on paper work-life balance, I was checking all the boxes.

It was like, yes, achieved, right? Not really. But like you get the idea. It was like, I've designed this the way that I want.

So what's going on here? And I want what I learned in this process was that I learned a lot.

But one of the things that I realized was that my past self of. Wanting to like bust my , work hard, do big things, like, you know, get lots of things done that led to this cycle of burnout, which I was very much aware of.

And that kind of is what drove me to make the originally make shifts in my work life schedule. But I over corrected like my past self and the history with burnout was still there for me where I had these without realizing it.

Even now, I had still a lack of trust that I could do more, take on more without burning out.

Right. It's like the pendulum swung so far in the other direction of like, OK, Theresa, don't overwork, like put put some some boundaries.

So that you don't make your work life all-consuming and so that you don't make your work life interfere with your role as mom and your personal life.

And I solved so hard for that that I didn't realize that I no longer needed to hold that strong of a boundary.

That I no longer needed to, you know, protect myself from burnout because I've already built strategies and skills for like within myself to help me recognize when burnout is happening, to help me identify what is actually causing burnout.

Like there's so much more, I have so much more ability now. now. more now. there's much Like than I did before.

And so I was still operating from this place of like, don't work too hard, don't burn out without realizing it.

And in that process, I played small. I didn't trust that I could take on more that I could go for not even necessarily only more, but bigger, not just like more clients, more money, more, you know, more, more work, but also like bigger impact.

I wanted to go deeper with the clients that I was coaching. I wanted to go after bigger goals in my business that would stretch me, that would challenge me and expand me, right?

And, you know, in looking back, it's so obvious now that that's what was happening, especially I know. We always talk about this, like looking and revisiting what your core values and needs are.

One of my core needs is development, like development, growth, progress, right? That is something that I value and it's something that I truly do need in order to feel my best.

And I was limiting it. I was putting a lid on it to keep it tight and contained. And small because I didn't trust my ability to let go and just go for it without losing myself and my real priorities and values in the process.

So if you are feeling off, feeling cranky, feeling short, feeling frustrated, it might not mean that you're working too much.

And working less might not necessarily be the fix. Adjusting your schedule might not be the fix, right? It might be that you're not living at the level that you actually want.

And the result of that, the worst part, I mean, there's lots of results of that. But one of the worst, in my opinion, one of the most painful results of that was the impact that it had on the people who I love.

And the impact that it had on my ability to enjoy, really enjoy and be present during the times when I was in mom mode, okay?

So here's what I want to offer for you. Perhaps you have over-solved, over-compensated, and it's so ironic, right? It's like very meta.

It's like we solve for burnout by, like, over-compensating. We like go so extra in the problem solving for burnout that we actually just kind of create a different problem, potentially, right?

Because hello, like that's just still that like, you know, my sort of standard operating level is like, kind of go big, intense, right?

Like do it and do it really well, even in trying to recover from burnout. That alone could be its own episode.

And, you know, that's not really the point. But my point for you is that if you're feeling like something isn't quite the way you want it in terms of your work life and or your personal life, take a look at that.

Take a closer look at that and consider might it be something else besides a busy schedule, right? What are you protecting yourself from?

And then the next piece that I think is really important and can be useful for you if you're listening to this is continuing to reevaluate what your vision of work-life balance is.

And when you think about the work life that you want, really examining what that looks like. What are the clients that you want?

Who are the clients that you want to serve? What is the setting you want to work in? What's the schedule where you want to be?

What's the freedom that you want to have? What's the support that you want to have? What is the level of kind of extra work?

or paperwork that you want to have. What is the, if could design it any way that you wanted, what would it look like?

Sometimes we just get so stuck in what, you know, what we have seen or what we've been told is available to us that we fail to recognize that there may be many more options out there.

And what is it that's going to leave you at the end of the workday, loving what you did and being so excited to go and do more of it.

Now, I want to be really clear here about something. I think I, ADHD brain, don't know if I said this already, but I really want to be clear that this, what I realized this was not about, you know, not enjoying the work that I was doing.

Okay. It's actually the opposite. It's that I was enjoying the work. So much that I wanted more of it.

I wanted, and not just more, but I wanted to go deeper with the clients who I was coaching. I wanted to be able to challenge them and stretch them and help them hit their big goals, right?

Help them have a really big impact. I wanted more of an impact. I didn't want the busy work. I didn't want the sort of minutiae of running a business, which is stuff that is going to be there, but it doesn't necessarily have to mean that I'm doing it all and doing it myself and all of that.

I just wanted a bigger impact. And I felt like I was holding myself back from that. So, again, in case you are listening to this and thinking, especially if you are a client or a past client, and you're thinking like, oh, that's great, Theresa.

No, this is not about you. Trust me. This is about me. Okay? It's not you. It's me, right? So and then the third thing that I want to emphasize for you is once you can pinpoint the work life that you want, how you want it to look, but more importantly, how you want it to feel.

And when I say look, I don't mean to outside people. I don't mean on paper. I mean how you want your day to look like when you picture your day, your work day in your mind.

How do you want it to look? What does it involve? What does it entail? And how do you want to feel during that day?

Right. And same thing with motherhood or your personal life, whatever that is. What do you want that to look like?

What do you want that to feel like? Once you have that clarity, looking at how you can become the person who has that result.

Okay. And if you take nothing else from this episode. Let it be that. And this can apply. I'm talking, of course, about it in the context of like the work life and home life that you want.

But this third point can apply to anything that you want to change or create in your life. Who is the person, the identity of the thing that you want, the life that you want, the result that you want?

Who is that person? How does that person show up? How does that person think? What does that person do?

What rooms is that person in? What habits does that person have? What is the inner monologue in that person's head?

And this is not for you to push, push, push, push, push and about, you know, trying to and try to be something or someone that you're not.

To help you embody that identity. And the one thing that stood, one thing that really stayed with me when I read Atomic Habits by James Clear was about adopting that identity before, right?

Adopting that identity and thinking like that person who has the goal or the habit that you want. So he gave the example of smoking and I've mentioned this before on the podcast, but he gave the example of smoking.

If you are somebody and you're a smoker and you're trying to quit and you're trying all these strategies to quit, you know, the nicotine patches or the gum or the vaping or whatever the heck we do or try.

Now these days, if you want to quit smoking, the one thing that smokers, former smokers were able to do and, and in order to sort of kick this habit that made such a big.

Difference was adopting that identity ahead of time. So instead of saying, I can't have a cigarette, I'm trying to quit, you say, I'm not a smoker.

I don't want to have a cigarette. I wouldn't have a cigarette. I'm not a smoker. Thanks, but I don't smoke, right?

Like even before you have completely stopped smoking, even if it's only an hour that you haven't been a smoker.

So that just stuck with me so much. And I always see opportunities to apply that in so many different ways.

So for me, I had to revisit what do I want my workday to look and feel like? What do I want my role as mom to look and feel like?

And who is the person that has that? Well, the person that has that trusts that she will not overwork to the point of...

She knows that it's not even about doing more or working harder, but it's about doing the things that light you up.

She knows that she can always problem solve when things are feeling out of alignment. She can ask for help.

She can set boundaries. She knows that going after big things in her workday doesn't mean that she should feel guilty as a mom.

She knows that she can have really meaningful moments of connection with her family, and that has way more of an impact on her and her family than needing to be there every minute of every day for them.

She knows that the depth of a relationship and the value and the strength of a relationship is not determined by the amount of time, but the quality.

Quality of the time. She knows that she can set really big goals and she has to adopt that identity of the person who has hit those big goals at work.

Right? So this is what I'm talking about. And this is the thing that you can do when you are feeling like something is off.

What would the successful, fulfilled version of you do this week? And bonus points if you answer that question without adding work hours or just hours in general.

Right? Sometimes we say, well, the successful, fulfilled version of me would be, you know, she wants to do all these things.

So she's going to have to get up earlier and stay up later. No, no, no. What if you couldn't add any more time to your day?

How could you create the successful, fulfilled version of your work and home life without... Without adding more time, what would that look like for you?

Because balance is not automatically less work. Balance is not automatically equal work and equal personal life. It's work that matches your values and the season of life that you're in.

If you're feeling resentful, frustrated, unhappy, disappointed, don't shame yourself. Treat it like information. I tell my coaching clients this all the time.

That's just information. What is it telling you? What is that information telling you? Don't judge it. Evaluate it. Get curious about it and see what you want to do with it.

And if you are somebody who's listening and you're stuck in this pendulum swing, overwork, burnout, recovery, or maybe you're a recovering

Being perfectionist or you have recovered from burnout, but now you're still struggling to find your way in terms of what work-life balance looks like for you, book a console and we'll map it out together.

We'll define what aligned balance actually means for you right now. The link is in the show notes. All right, that is it for this episode.

I hope that it helped. I apologize for all the twists and turns and rambling, but hopefully there was something in there that you can take with you and apply and I will see you all next week.

Bye.