161. How to Find Joy as a Busy Mom featuring Michelle Byrd

If you’ve been telling yourself you’ll feel happier once things “calm down,” this episode is your gentle reality check (and relief): life doesn’t magically get less messy, but you can access joy in the middle of it. 

I’m joined by time management coach and host of The Busy Vibrant Mom, Michelle Byrd, for a grounded conversation about what joy actually is (and what it isn’t). We talk about the difference between joy and happiness, why moms unintentionally postpone joy until the to-do list is done, and how to stop treating self-care like another big project. Michelle shares practical ways to “sprinkle” joy into a packed day, how to build margin so everything doesn’t feel urgent, and what to do when your plan falls apart. 

What You’ll Learn: 

• Why joy isn’t dependent on everything going right (and why that matters)
• How constant urgency and productivity pressure steals the enjoyment from your day
• Small, realistic ways to add joy without adding another task
• The “power of pairing” to make any habit (including joyful ones) actually stick
• How to do a quick joy reset when your day goes off the rails 

Learn More About Michelle Byrd: 

• Michelle Byrd’s podcast: The Busy Vibrant Mom
  • Listen on Apple Podcasts
  • Listen on Spotify
• Michelle’s website: ByrdMichelle.com

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

Come join Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists on Facebook for more tips and tricks!

Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

Theresa Harp: Hello podcast listeners. I have a fun one for today.

I have a, a guest, Michelle Byrd, who is here on the podcast to talk about something that we haven't covered actually on the podcast before. So I'm super excited, which is Joy. It's awesome. So Michelle, I'm gonna let you introduce yourself. Tell us a little bit about you and the work that you do and, and we'll get started.

Michelle Byrd: Oh, thank you. So let's see. I'm a mom of three now. They're all teens. So then they drive me crazy, but they're lovely. And I do time management coaching, more strategic, time management, coaching with moms to help them kind of balance work and life. I had noticed when my kids started going back to school that moms usually put in.

Something into that time block. So they're either starting to go back to work or they're a part-time job full-time, or [00:01:00] they're, helping out and volunteering, and then they're also trying to juggle their home. So oftentimes that's just a natural thing of your time is freed up and you go back to what you were doing or start something new.

And I was seeing so many moms having trouble kind of juggling all this and making it work and feeling stressed that I just wanted to help. So I naturally am very organized and time oriented, and so I thought maybe I can strategically coach moms and kind of figure out what is it that's not working, and then we can work together to figure out how to fix that.

Theresa Harp: Yay. I love that. So we have a lot of similar interests, similar backgrounds, and your area of work is very aligned with my area of work and my passion, so I'm excited to have you on.

Michelle Byrd: thank you. Yeah. And I forgot. I also have a podcast called The Busy Vibrant Mom that has lots of episodes if people need [00:02:00] help.

Theresa Harp: Yes. Lots and lots. We'll link to that in the show notes for everyone. A top 2% ranked podcast. We were just saying before I hit record. So, uh, I think as a fellow podcaster, I'm gonna just toot your horn for you because that's awesome. So congratulations on that. Yeah. So tell me this topic of joy, which I told you I haven't, we haven't really discussed that and covered that on the podcast.

But tell me, I guess what I'm really curious about is how you got to that topic. I know it's not the only thing that you coach on, but what even brought that up to begin with in your work with women?

Michelle Byrd: Such a good question. I think oftentimes as moms, we can feel defeated, we're frustrated, we're running around crazy.

We are frantic trying to get from place to place. We're trying to think of all the things, and oftentimes we get to the end of our day and we're like. Where did I find joy? Where was I just [00:03:00] enjoying my day? Instead of trying to get to the weekend? Instead of trying to be like, oh my gosh, finally it's Friday.

Just like what things was I actually enjoying as I went through my day, as I went through my week? And so I just thought I would love to help moms just sprinkle in some joy.

Theresa Harp: That sounds lovely. It sounds much needed, and I totally relate to that. I mean, being, when you're in the grind and you are, focused on.

Getting everyone where they need to be at the right time, in the right place. And as a mom, as a woman taking care of everybody else, I mean, we all know it's no surprise that we get lost in that process and self-care and all of that, but this is a little bit different than the traditional, self-care talk.

It, it's just like a little twist on it. And I love it because what's the, what is the point if we're not. Enjoying parts of our day. It's, [00:04:00] we all know it's easy to get focused on, on the have tos and the need tos, but if we're wishing away the life that we're in right now, I mean that there's, there is no no point to that.

And so I think that this work is so needed.

Michelle Byrd: Yeah. I think it also just helps us get up in the morning and be like, what am I gonna do today? What am I excited about? What is gonna be joyful in my day? Versus like, okay, you gotta get up. Kids are gonna get to school. I gotta jump in the shower.

It's stopping and pausing and realizing like, what can I put in my day or what is already in my day? That's joyful.

Theresa Harp: Oh yeah. I love that. It's not necessarily about. It's not always about adding joy. I am sure that's part of, I know that's part of it. I just heard you say it, but it's also recognizing the joy that's already, that's already there, the sources of joy that are already there, that maybe we're just rushing and we're, we're rushing and running around that we miss them.

Michelle Byrd: Definitely. Definitely.

Theresa Harp: [00:05:00] Yeah. So how do you think about joy?

Michelle Byrd: I think that's a great question because joy and kind of happiness are a little bit different. Joy isn't happiness because it's kind of based.

It doesn't depend on everything happening correctly in our day. Right? Oftentimes we're like, oh, I'm happy if everything worked out perfectly to my plan and I got everybody to school on time and I did this thing, and then I'm like super happy, but joyful is. I got everybody to where they need to be.

And then this other thing happened and then now I'm like five steps down a different path than I thought I was gonna be on, and it's only nine o'clock in the morning. So joy is something that comes from within and that isn't based on our circumstances.

Theresa Harp: I love that joy is something that comes from within, and it's not based on our circumstances.

I, this is a little bit of a tangent, but it relates, I promise. Uh, I was coaching a client this morning and we were talking about, [00:06:00] old story, old patterns, old identity, old way of thinking, and then new story, new identity, new ways of thinking. And what I said to her was I think that you're, you're imagining.

That this balance, this new identity is a destination. And that when you get there, everything will feel better. Everything will be better. And whether you might not wanna hear this right, but it is not a destination. It's not because when we live that way, we are delegating and delaying, delaying our happiness, delaying our joy, and.

We're delegating it to the result, right? We're delegating it to like the accomplishment. And what I'm hearing you say is that it's actually something that we can create now, regardless of the situation and circumstances around us.

Michelle Byrd: Definitely because when you get to that other point, you're gonna be like, now I'm there, but things aren't gonna be [00:07:00] perfect, right?

There's something that's gonna go wrong in your day. You're gonna get to that point and your kids will be in a different stage of life that you thought, oh, I think. As moms, it's so easy to think, oh, my kids are little now. It's like they're sucking all my energy and I just have to keep everybody alive and I'm moving.

I will be so much happier when they are X Age. And then you kind of say, okay, the, it'll be so much better when they're this age, but. Once you get to that age, that age has more problems and different problems. Yes. Different problems.

Theresa Harp: Yes. I know. We think that those things won't, that those problems, those challenges won't exist.

And there are still challenges. There are still problems. They might look a little different, they might feel a little different, but they're still tough. They still exist. So what, what changes is the way that we respond to them, the way that we, the way that we think about them and how, what we do about it.

Michelle Byrd: And not just idealizing, oh, everything will be great once I get past this one hill and I get on the, the another [00:08:00] green.

Theresa Harp: Yes. So when it comes to where we are right now, when we are in, let's say the thick of it, if you will what is possible? How can women with the busy schedule, with the kids, with maybe a career volunteer opportunities, how do we start doing this for ourselves?

In a way that serves its purpose and isn't just another thing on our to-do list that we have to feel like we have to get done, and it's performative.

Michelle Byrd: I think that's definitely moms feel that way, right? Like, okay, now you're also asking me to add enjoy to my week. Great. If I had 12 hours, like extra hours, this is what I would do.

Theresa Harp: Right?

Michelle Byrd: But yeah, it's tricky and I think. As I said, just sprinkling it in. Mm-hmm. Thinking about it as little tiny things that you can do. Not like an hour long bubble bath or like, I'm gonna go out and do this for [00:09:00] myself. But it's those little things that make your day more enjoyable and just weaving them into your day I think is really important.

Whether that be, you know, going outside for a walk. Maybe it's not that long. Maybe you're just walking to the mailbox and back, but you're going outside for a few minutes or taking a moment in the morning. I love to do like a daily devotional or just taking a minute to read and to think through things before you open your phone and have to deal with all the other chaos.

Right? So it's just those little things like what can you sprinkle in? And it's not necessarily that you have to like read for an hour. It's more like. Can you read for five minutes? Can you take just a moment or what kind of brings you joy? Maybe you can have a really amazing drink or food or something that you just enjoy for that moment.

It doesn't have to be the whole day.

Theresa Harp: I love that. Why do [00:10:00] you think. This is so difficult for us to do just those little, even just those little five minutes. 'cause everyone can find five minutes to do something. Right. Everyone, I, I believe that. But we don't. So even if someone is, let's say they're on board with the idea of this, of and trying to sprinkle in these, these practices, what might still get in the way?

Michelle Byrd: Oh, so many things. So many things. It's like our to-do list. It's going from thing to thing. It's a feeling that we need to be rushed through our day. It's our world of like constant like momentum of, okay, quick hurry, get to the next thing, do the next thing, be productive, and you're like a hamster. So all those little things can make us just feel rushed that we don't have five to 10 minutes, but I think oftentimes.

There really isn't something that is that urgent in our day. If a child needs to go to the er, if [00:11:00] you know, there's just a handful of things that are that urgent. If you are a couple minutes late to a meeting, that's okay if you are a couple minutes late to picking up your kid or if you're, there's some things that feel urgent, but.

There's really very little that is actually as urgent as the world and our society like, makes us think.

Theresa Harp: Yes, that is so true. That sounded really refreshing. It's okay if you're a little, a few minutes late to the meeting. It's okay if you're a couple minutes late to picking up your kids. And I, I don't know.

That resonates with me because I think we, we put so much pressure on ourselves and we think that, our performance, our ability to. Get things done the and the right way and have it look the right way. And be the right way is so important that we are last on that list, if we're even on the list to begin with.

Sure. And, [00:12:00] and this idea of being able to. Being able to allow like life to be doing what life is doing and decide that I'm still going to take this five minutes for myself anyway, because I am worthy of it. I deserve it. It is going my happiness, my, my happiness matters, my moments of joy matter.

Being able to give yourself that permission, I think, I would imagine, at least I know for me that that would be, that would be a key component for being able to do this.

Michelle Byrd: Yeah, it's just huge to realize like, okay, I can just stop for a moment. I know I always think of, oh, I can't rest, or I can't slow down, or I can't sit and read this until these 20 things are done on my list.

Or I look around my house and I say, oh, the dishes aren't done and the kitchen needs to be cleaned up and you know, five other things that are happening. But to realize. There's always gonna be a list and there's always gonna be like 15 to 20 things on [00:13:00] your list. But that you can pause and you can come back and that list will still be right there.

And if the dishes are left in the sink, they're not gonna explode that it'll be okay. So just to like practice giving yourself a little bit of extra pause.

Theresa Harp: Yeah. It sounds so refreshing. And. The productivity person in me, or, or the, the time management person in Me Too is thinking for of, you know, for listeners who are still holding onto.

But I have to, but I have to. But, but, but when I'm done i'll or, but that's gonna slow me down. Or, but everything's gonna fall apart and they're holding, holding to that. I think I always love pointing out the possibility that five minutes of joy can create perhaps 10 minutes of more energy, positive energy.

Dare I say, even more, productivity. Not that it's. [00:14:00] That's the purpose of joy. We're not doing it to be more productive. In fact, that's the opposite. But that could be a benefit, right? When we feel our best, we're able to show up better and and do better.

Michelle Byrd: Yeah. So key. I know that that happens with me all the time with my, with whatever I'm feeling. And then I projected onto my kids of my attitude towards stuff and just be like, okay, I'm in a hurry and we need to get here, and that kind of thing. Versus, Hey, how was your day? What are you feeling? Like, what. And to just engage more and be calm really sets the pace for my family.

We have a lot of like inside jokes and my kids are so funny, they're like at a great age. So we like have so much fun. If I can just be in a space that's calm and listening rather than rushing us through our day and trying to get to the next thing, if we can. Just have fun along that [00:15:00] journey. Even if we're sitting in the car and like going from place to place, we're still kind of sprinkling in fun and joy, but we're, we are still productive.

We are still going from point A to point B, but it's just my attitude is calmer and so it feels calmer and more joyful. We're not stressed out. Maybe we have a snack, it feels, ugh, easier.

Theresa Harp: It's, yes, it sounds. Amazing. And I am like, yes. I mean that is, that is what it's all about. Being able to have the life that you want and to be able to enjoy it and be there for it.

And obviously we're not enjoying every single moment of it. That's not, it's right, it's not toxic positivity. That's not what this is about. Allowing ourselves some of that. Permission to slow down and be present and soak it in and enjoy it before, before it's gone, before we're on to the [00:16:00] next.

Michelle Byrd: Yeah. Yeah. It's so key. It's just, it makes your day more fun when you can pause, when you cannot feel that you are stressed out and rushed and gotta get to the next thing, but that you either build margin, which is what I tell a lot of my clients, is to build margin into their day so that they. Don't have everything so stacked so tightly.

So margin would be build 15 minutes into getting to a place or a destination or build 15 minutes into getting out the door or build a little bit of. Time blocks or a few minutes in between events and things that you're doing so that if something runs late, if something happens, if you need to pivot for any kind of reason, you have that space and then you don't feel the domino effect of.

Oh my gosh. I was late to this meeting and then I had to pick up this kid and then they forgot this, so then I had to go back and that, that's what makes [00:17:00] you stressed that if you have that space in case things go wrong, because it often does. Right? But then you don't feel as crazy and stressed out during your.

Theresa Harp: Yeah. And let's say even with those margins in place every so often, still things won't go according to plan, right? We all know so. I know you have this concept of a joy reset, right? And I'm curious like what that is or, or how that might be relevant in situations where just, it's just not happening today, Michelle.

It's just not going the way it's supposed to. What does a joy reset actually look like?

Michelle Byrd: I love that question because that happened to me the other day. So I spent, I was like, okay, this is the day I gotta get a lot of stuff done. I have other days of my week I'm gonna be taking kids to a game, or it's mapped out.

I'm gonna be gone. So today's my big day. I have [00:18:00] no big things. I really need to get all these things finished. And then my whole day like went off the tracks. I went, I suddenly had a prescription that I'm out of 'cause I have migraines all the time. And, I had to get it filled. And so like, my whole day went on a, a different journey than I was expecting.

And I had to, at the end of the day I remember picking up my kids and I was like frustrated and I'm like, my day didn't go great. And they. Were so encouraging. They were like, well, what did go great mom? And like, they were like, how about this car ride? This is pretty fun.

So cool. I love

Theresa Harp: that.

Michelle Byrd: That they just reminded me what you need to do to reset is to take a deep breath and to think about, okay, my day is not going as I planned. It's now 10 o'clock, 12 o'clock, whatever, and just start back at the beginning of your day with whatever routine you have, wherever you wanted to jump into your day, [00:19:00] just start back in.

But to give yourself grace that like, okay, today was just not happening for plan B.

Theresa Harp: Yes, or

Michelle Byrd: just gonna, just going to go to. A different plan in the alphabet. We're way down over here. That's okay.

Theresa Harp: Yes.

Michelle Byrd: We move things around. We'll take a deep breath.

Theresa Harp: Yeah, I love that, that your kids were the cheerleaders in that moment and I'm sure reflecting back to you things that you have taught and modeled.

For them. So that's just such a gift. And that for me is so motivating when I think about what I'm doing, as for me, yes, but also for my kids. And, changing that generation, changing the way that they think, the way that they show up, what matters and all those things that is so rewarding to me.

Michelle Byrd: Yeah, I think it's also just learning to regulate, like you're teaching them like, I'm really dysregulated, I'm really [00:20:00] frustrated and my day is not going well to my day. Didn't go great, and I'm realizing that and I'm taking a moment and a deep breath and we're gonna do some other things. And helping them realize, sometimes when they have.

Hard day or a hard class or a hard teacher or this is not going well to take a deep breath and kind of restart.

Theresa Harp: Yeah, I love that. Now what about in this. World that we live in where social media seems to be, it just drives everything. It seems to be relentless and really hard to escape.

What are your thoughts about that and how we can navigate that and be able to still prioritize joy in our lives?

Michelle Byrd: I think that social media and everything comes with, so it's like a big ball of wax, right? Because like for me, I'm trying to get off of it more, but I wanna connect with people.

And oftentimes [00:21:00] online, on Facebook, on Instagram, that's where people are. And I'm like, oh, I haven't talked to so-and-so, or I need to message this person. So I'm still finding myself kind of tied to it. But you can often. Watch it too long, right? And spend hours of your day just accidentally. Oh, I've just been scrolling for a while and now you look up and the clock has been running.

Yeah. It also feeds to comparison, right? Yes. Because you see positive things and funny things, and all the best, right? So you're looking at that and then you're thinking. I have to clean up like this on the floor and my house is a disaster and I didn't get anything done, and now I have to go get my kids.

And so you're looking at, all the other people online. So I think it's a balance and it's really tricky, especially in this day and age where there's so much that's. On our phone or that is online. Just to look at my kid's schedule on the, they have [00:22:00] three different like sports teams that they're on, and it's an app, and so you have to pick up your phone to figure out, you know, where are the, what are the teams doing, where's the game?

What time is that? Who's bringing snacks? But it's picking up your phone. It's looking at that, it's checking email. There's so much in this digital world that you can't just. Ignore it all or like put your phone away and don't look at it again. So I think,

yeah,

Theresa Harp: not realistic,

Michelle Byrd: right? I think the keys are just.

Giving yourself time and also grace, because you're not gonna do it perfectly. Some days you may be on your phone and that's okay, but giving yourself grace of , okay, I only check my phone, at lunchtime for me, because I know I'm gonna get sucked into like looking at stuff online. So I only check it at lunch and then I put it away.

For like whenever I can or having it on, do not disturb on work settings while you're working. So that's not a [00:23:00] distraction. So setting some boundaries in place I think is key. And then also feeling. Like if you're feeling really heavy and you feel like your brain just isn't moving and you just can't think of things and you just feel that heftiness, sometimes I've found it's not resting from the consumption of information.

Theresa Harp: Mm-hmm.

Michelle Byrd: So whether that be listening to things like a podcast or watching YouTube or reading stuff on my phone or going through social media, I find that. When was the last time I like took a mental brain break. So oftentimes that can also be a trigger of thinking through, oh, I think I need to slow down.

Like my brain can't process stuff because it's so overloaded.

Theresa Harp: Yes. And not only do those, you know, the social media trap, the comparison is the thief of joy, right? We hear that [00:24:00] expression. So not only that, and also when we are in, on our phones and inundated with all this information, we're not noticing the world.

That's actually around us that we're actually living in and we're probably missing opportunities moments for joy.

Michelle Byrd: So true. So true. You go anywhere now, like people don't have eye contact. Yeah, they're always looking at their phone.

Theresa Harp: Yes. I know. Guilty. Guilty. Yep. It's so true. So what would you say for my listeners who are busy moms, they are either running a business, running a private practice, or they are working as an employee and they're also running a household.

What's one small step for them to start with that they could do today to help [00:25:00] invite more joy into their lives?

Michelle Byrd: Oh, I love that. So what I would do as a small step is think about. One or two things that would bring you joy that you want to implement into your day or your week.

So what are just a couple things. Having, five minutes to sit down and read, whether it be drinking a warm cup of coffee what are a couple things that you want to put into your schedule that would bring you joy and then the way to put those in? I love to use this phrase of the power of pairing.

So you wanna pair that new habit or thing that you wanna do with an already existing habit that you do all the time, and then that will. Mirror them and you'll remember it a little bit more. So for example, I was always like, okay, I can never do a quiet time. I never have any time to just sit and read my Bible or to sit, like [00:26:00] I tried to do it at night.

I would fall asleep. I tried to do it like in the car line or during the day, and my brain was just thinking of too many things. I tried to do it. The first thing when I woke up and I'd be too tired, so I thought, how am I gonna get this in? I could never get this in after feeling guilty for a long time of like, I can never do this.

I'm, I tried again and it didn't work. I realized I needed to pair it with something. So now whenever I drink my coffee in the morning, I do my devotion. So maybe I drink my coffee for five minutes, maybe I drink it for eight minutes. So it's just whenever I do that one task, I do the other task that I wanted to place as a habit.

So now at this point, it's a habit.

Theresa Harp: Ooh, I love that. And then joy just becomes interwoven into your day and accessible and manageable and realistic without adding. Time and [00:27:00] tasks on top of, an already jam packed schedule,

Michelle Byrd: right? And not feeling defeated that you're trying to do it and it didn't work.

And now you can, it's one more thing that you weren't able to do or couldn't put into your life. Or, you know, we can all go down the rabbit hole, right? So it's feeling like, oh, okay, I can do this. I can, it's just one little thing and I can pair it with this that's already established, like. When I get in my car, I just turn off the radio and have quiet what is that one thing that you, want to add?

And then pairing it with a really established habit.

Theresa Harp: That's awesome. Well, you've got my wheels turning of like, okay, where am I gonna, I've got what, 20 minute, 30 minutes till the kids get home. I've got plenty of time for joy. I can, what do I wanna do? It's kind of exciting and novel and , it, it feels, it feels motivating and enticing so.

I'm so happy that you [00:28:00] were able to come on and talk about this topic. 'cause I know it's something that the listeners really need to hear. And who doesn't want more joy? Who couldn't use more joy in their life. So thank you for sharing all of that with us.

Michelle Byrd: You're welcome.

Theresa Harp: So if anyone wants to connect with you, learn more about you, your work that you do, tell us all the things.

Michelle Byrd: Oh, thank you. So you can find me on the Busy Vibrant Mom. That's my podcast or my website, which is just my last name, ByrdMichelle.com. And so those are the best ways to find me. I am on Instagram and Facebook as the Busy Vibrant Mom, but I don't show up there all the time.

My podcast is really where I show up and love to just teach and connect with people.

Theresa Harp: That's great. I'll link to that in the show notes so that people can check that out. But thank you again for being here. I know time is very valuable and I really, I appreciate that you are [00:29:00] spending yours here with me.

And I just, I can't let you go. Before I acknowledge the sign that is behind you that I've been looking at this whole time that says, today I choose Joy. I know our listeners can't see that, but I had to acknowledge it out there because it's, you are like living and breathing and practicing that and embodying that, so that's great.

Michelle Byrd: Oh, thank you.

Theresa Harp: All right. Thanks, Michelle. Take care.