162. How to Stop Recurring Negative Thoughts From Running Your Life

If you have a thought that shows up in your brain over and over, day after day, this episode is for you. I’m calling these frequent flyer thoughts: recurring thought loops that steal brain space and kick off a shame spiral before you even realize what happened.

In this episode, I’ll show you how to treat these thoughts as information (not a verdict) and use one simple question to get your power back.

What You’ll Learn:

• What a “frequent flyer thought” is and how to spot yours quickly
• Why recurring thoughts feel so heavy and how they quietly shape self-concept
• The agency question that stops the spiral: change the circumstance vs. change the thought
• A 60-second cost/benefit check to decide what to do next
• How to take action from empowerment (not punishment) if you choose to change the situation

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

Come join Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists on Facebook for more tips and tricks!

Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

Hello, podcast listeners. Welcome back to the show. I am batch recording episodes. So I got to be honest, I'm not even sure which number episode this is or what the publication date is going to be.

But I do know the topic. This topic is about what I call frequent flyer thoughts. How to know if you have gotten stuck in

Frequent Flyer thoughts, what the problem is when that happens, and how you can use them to your advantage. And it's funny because, well, not funny, it's cool, I think, if you are into AI.

As I am recording this, I've got my assistant, Claude, or Claudia, as I call her, and she is pulling any past episodes where I talk about similar topics that would support you.

And once she's done, I'm going to link to those in the show notes. So keep an eye out for those.

If this episode is one that resonates with you, definitely worth checking the related episodes in the show notes. We'll see what Claudia comes up with by the time I'm done recording.

All right. So I'm going to give you a very silly example here. Okay. It's a True story, true situation, but it's an example, a personal example of a frequent flyer thought that is currently kind of ruminating or has kind of popped up very often lately.

As I'm recording this, it is summer, and the frequent flyer thought for me is my yard is a mess.

It is this thought that every time I go outside to take the dogs out or I'm leaving the house or pulling back into the house, right, with the kids, that same thought would hit.

My yard is a mess. Our yard is a disaster. This yard looks horrible. was like all different kind of flavors or versions of that thought, and it was not a fun thought to think, right?

If you are familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy, with our thoughts, the thoughts that we have result in feelings. Emotions.

And so when I was thinking that thought, it went along with feelings of embarrassment, shame, insufficiency or inadequacy, and then it could often spiral into a, you know, what would the neighbors think type of scenario.

Okay. So that's one example that has come up for me recently. I could give you a thousand more examples of that in my personal life and in my work life where this has happened.

I want you to think of your own example as you are listening to this episode. Okay. So a frequent flyer thought is essentially a recurring thought.

It keeps showing up, might sound a little different, but the topic, the message, the... The underlying thread is the same, and it's almost like it occurs, I mean, yes, frequently, but it's occurring more often than some of your other thoughts, okay?

And the point of this episode and this concept is not to judge yourself for having those thoughts because I believe we all experience this, whether we realize it or not, and that the opportunity here is to treat it as information, right?

This situation, this thing is bothering me enough that something needs to change, right? And I'm going to talk about what that change, what kinds of change might come of it, how you approach that, like all of that.

We're going to get into that shortly. But I just want you to. Imagine for a minute why this matters, okay?

I can tell you from personal experience that these frequent flyer thoughts take up brain space. They are disruptive and distracting.

It can often lead to spiraling, right? Or these sort of like shame spiral. And it can often create some negative emotion or emotions, feelings from within your body.

You might notice it first in your body as like a sharp pain in your chest or in your stomach.

Or like that feeling in the pit of your stomach, right? Or maybe your body gets sort of like numb.

Or maybe your ears are all of a sudden. And up by your shoulders and your head and neck and your shoulders are really tight and your jaw is clenched.

Okay. So it's going to show up in different ways. But the point is, it's usually not a very positive experience.

And I have found that if you allow this to happen unchecked, right? Like just if you just allow it to happen and imagine that this is the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

What will often result is an impact on your self-concept, on your identity, the way that you see yourself, your self-confidence, your beliefs about yourself.

These frequent thoughts, if you think them enough, they become beliefs. And then whether we realize it or not, they inform the way that we see ourselves or the way that we see the world.

Okay. And I'm talking about these frequent flyer thoughts because I know that people are experiencing them. And for me, once I discovered that I have some agency here, I have some thoughts, that was a Freudian slip.

What I meant to say was I have some control. I have some things that I can do. Like, okay, this is a situation that's happening.

This thought keeps coming up for me. What do I want to do about it? Because you do have an opportunity here.

And I'm going to share with you how I have approached this in the past and what a tremendous difference this makes if you practice this approach.

Okay. Okay. So while I said that those frequent flyer thoughts can. That can impact the way that you see yourself, right?

Yes. Okay. However, I want to make sure that you recognize that the thought is not a fact. It is a thought.

Okay? It is a thought. And so first and foremost, if you are new here, if you're new to this, you know, these topics or concepts, I hope that you will go and listen to some of the episodes in the show notes where I talk about the control that we can use, the sort of tools that we can use to shift our thinking.

That alone has the opportunity to change your life. It can change your life as an SLP. It can change your work with your clients.

It can change your private practice that you're growing. It can change the way you show up as a mom.

It can change your experience and your relationship with your spouse or your family members. I'm telling you, and most...

Most importantly, I think the piece that we often overlook is it can change your relationship with yourself, okay? And I remember how impactful this was when I started figuring out what I wanted to do about it.

I just got sick and tired of these frequent thoughts. Some of the ones in the past that used to come up for me would be, I'm so fat.

Honestly, that thought and in probably about a hundred different packages, it wasn't always like those exact words, but it would be thoughts that would indicate a belief that I don't like the way I look.

I'm not proud or comfortable in my body, right? And I mean... I'm trying not to go on tangents here, y'all, but this is really hard because I feel like this is something that can be so emotionally driven but really does have the power to change so much for you.

So if you are thinking things often like, my private practice is never going to make it, I'm never going to be successful, or I could never start a private practice, or I could never make X amount of money.

I could never charge that rate for a session. I could never work only during the hours I want to work and be with my kids.

I can't love my job and my kids at the same time. I'm a terrible mom. I'm, you know, fill in the blanks, right?

I'm a terrible SLP. Did I say that one already? It's like if you think it enough, it starts to become true.

Not actually true, but it changes. That's how you show up. You show up that way as if it is true.

And then it does become true. It's almost like this self-fulfilling prophecy. Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox. I want you to recognize the cost that this has.

Okay, hopefully I've demonstrated that. And the opportunity that we have to change it. Okay, now I said at the beginning, I treat these thoughts as information.

Sometimes I'll say to my coaching clients who are SLPs, let's treat it like data. Let's imagine that this is the subjective data that you're collecting in your everyday life.

What are you noticing? What thoughts are coming up? What are you noticing about it? And if we just use this as information, not as truth.

So much can change. These frequent flyer thoughts are not fact. They are not an indication of your value. They are not an indication of your self-worth.

And here is the question that I ask my coaching clients. And I'm going to ask you because it is such a powerful question.

You can either change the situation or change the way you're thinking about it. Which one would you like to do?

And I will repeat that again because I really want you to hear this. Okay? You can either change the situation or you can change your thoughts.

Which one is it going to be? I do not believe that there's a right or wrong. Wrong answer to this question.

And I will acknowledge that there are times when you might not be able to change the situation. Okay? You might not.

In which case, the most empowering thing you can do is to change the way you think about it. And I say that with total vulnerability.

I don't know, because I feel like sometimes that can be very triggering. I don't mean that to sound like I'm gaslighting, but I have found that to be so helpful.

I mean, even as simple as like when I'm having, when I'm home with my kids and, you know, we are really struggling.

Like my tweens are giving me a hard time or everybody's arguing. Right? Okay. So can I change the situation?

If so, okay. Okay. And if it's a situation that in this moment, I cannot change. How can I change the way I'm thinking about it so that my experience of this situation becomes more positive, more manageable, okay?

So if you truly can't change the situation, you can turn to your thoughts and figuring out how to change your thoughts.

That is not exactly the topic of today's episode, but if that is something that you want support with, check out the show notes for those other related episodes, or you can always book a console and we can talk through this together, okay?

Remember, I said this is the thing that has the power to change your entire life, changing the way that you think.

But let's say for the purpose of this episode that you can change the situation. It doesn't mean that you have to.

It doesn't mean that you should. It doesn't mean that you want to. It doesn't mean that you're going to, but let's just...

Imagine that you can. And by the way, I want you to be really honest when you ask yourself whether or not you can change the situation because I have observed and have done this myself many times where I tell myself or believe that there is nothing I can do to change the situation and that's not actually true.

For example, I'm trying to give you an example from personal experience, but I'll give you an example from client experiences because that's what I'm able to think of right now on the spot.

For example, clients who I coach, SLPs, who say, well, I can't take on more clients in my private practice because it's not sustainable.

So I will. They will say, we are at maxed out. We cannot take on more clients. And once we explore that thought, they often find that that's not actually true.

They could take on more clients, but it might not look or feel the way that they want it to.

Now it might mean that you're working more hours and you're not willing to do it. But that's a different story.

If you would then be working more hours and that is not something that you're willing to do, then let's acknowledge you can change the situation, but you'd rather change your thoughts.

And that is a perfect segue into what is possible when you do change your thoughts. Right? So let's say that you can use this as a way to decide what you want to do if you want to change the situation or change your thoughts.

Right? So I'm to give you some of the questions that I use and that I ask my coaching clients that I believe can be very helpful with number one, identifying what you want to do from this.

Okay? Like, what do you want to do in this situation? And in fact, that is the very first question.

What do I want to do about this? Right? What is the cost of changing this situation? What is the benefit of changing this situation?

And I should say, what are the costs of changing this situation? What are the costs of, or what are the benefits of, am I, I'm now I'm getting all, getting all turned around.

Okay. Focus, Theresa. You can ask yourself, what do I want to do about this? What are the costs of acting on this?

What are the costs of changing the situation? What are the benefits of acting on this or changing the situation?

And then you can flip that to what are the costs of not changing the situation? And what are the benefits of not changing the situation?

Oh, my gosh. We could do a whole masterclass on those questions because, okay, focus, Theresa. We're not going there.

We're not going there, but I love that simple, to put it very simply, a cost-benefit analysis. My clients know this.

I walk them through this exercise where you just brain dump and identify all of the costs for a situation and all of the benefits for the situation.

And I'm not just talking about financial costs, right? Costs to your energy, costs on your emotional health, costs to your family, costs on your time.

You get the idea. If you choose that you want to change the circumstances, do it from a place of simplicity and a place of empowerment.

We're not changing the situation from a place of punishment. My earlier example, that frequent flyer thought of, I'm so fat.

This is a perfect example. If I choose to take action, okay, I'm tired of thinking this thought. I'm tired of how it makes me feel.

I'm tired of how I show up when I think this thought, right? I'm going to change the situation because the cost of this thought outweighs the cost of changing the situation.

But if I change the situation from a place of punishment, that's going to look like, well, I'm tired of thinking that I'm fat, so I'm just going to go on a, you know, binge diet.

Do they call it? No, I think that's an oxymoron. What do you, you know, one of those like, oh, what is the word I'm looking for?

Those, you know, those like quick fix diets that never really last. Like you do it for 30 days and then you go back to your old way of eating, right?

You get the idea. Clearly this is a podcast about productivity and work-life balance, not a podcast about health and nutrition and fitness, but you get the idea.

If I start making changes from a place of punishment, it's not going to work. It's going to feel really and it's going to continue that narrative, that story of you're so fat, really.

Like it's not changing my experience, even if I'm changing now the situation, if that makes any sense, if you're still with me, fantastic.

But if I decide. To change that situation from a place of empowerment, that would look very different. It's not going to be very restrictive eating and over-exercising.

It's going to be choosing foods that nourish my body and not beating myself up if I choose a food that isn't very nutritious.

It's going to mean that I show up thinking about the entire day, not just like, you know, one minute where I fell off the wagon or, you know, made a choice that wasn't in alignment with that goal.

Okay, if you keep the action small enough that it doesn't become something else that determines how you feel about yourself, you have such an opportunity to change your experience here.

And if you choose not to change the situation. Awkward long pause. I'm trying to figure out how to word this.

But if you choose to keep the situation the same, I encourage you so strongly to work on changing your thoughts.

Okay? So if I decide, and I will purposely, by the way, when I have frequent flyer thoughts, I don't necessarily do this for every frequent flyer thought.

Like, I don't decide to change the situation 100% of the time. There are definitely times where I decide that I'm not going to change the situation.

I'm just going to change the way that I'm thinking. And a perfect example of this is the example that I gave you at the start of this episode about the yard.

Right? Our yard. I'm telling you, there are weeds all over. Okay. Like it is just, it, it, oh, it drives me nuts.

Okay. I see it all the time. Right. That thought, remember that thought? So instead this summer I decided, you know what?

I am not doing the weeding. I don't give a crap. This summer I'm just not going to do it.

I'm deciding that I'm, I'm no longer focusing on pulling the weeds. I, maybe I'll spray them. Maybe we'll, you know, every once in a while I'll have like, you know, somebody hit them with the weed whacker or something, but I'm not going to go out.

I'm not doing it. That's not how I want to spend my time this summer. But I don't love going outside and thinking negatively and then feeling negatively about the state of our yard.

So I have to work on my thinking. So instead, when I go outside and my brain offers me that, you know, frequent flyer thought of the yard is a mess, I can.

Catch it. And I can reframe it. Okay. Yes. The yard doesn't look great. But you know what? You're spending more time with working with clients and coaching clients who you absolutely love.

And that lights you up. And that's far better than weeding. Right? Or okay. Yeah. The yard looks like terrible.

But that just means next year, next summer, it's going to look great because there's nowhere to look. There's nowhere to go but up.

Right? Or this summer's yard looks awful. But if I decide that I want to do something about it, I can.

Right? Or the yard looks awful. But also, that's just the thought, Theresa, not a fact. You've seen way worse.

And who gives a crap? Right? Or oh my gosh, yeah, there's weeds everywhere. That's how it works. You live in, you live in the, you know, where you live.

You have a lot of, you lot of... ... ... Land, right? Like whatever thoughts that I can use to sort of poke holes in that frequent flyer thought, because if I don't poke the holes, I'll still think the thought, right?

That thought will still come in. It's not like, you know, you have to actually do something in order to change those thoughts.

So the thoughts are still going to happen. And if you're deciding not to change the situation, aka not to do the weeding this summer, let's change the thinking so that I don't feel like crap every time I go outside.

Right? Okay. I don't know if this made any sense, but if you are still with me, way to go.

I am impressed. And here's what I want to ask you. What is your current awful yard, messy yard, or I'm so fat thought?

That shows up every time you do this, right? Every time you walk into your office, or every time you get to work, or every time you check your email, or every time you wake up in the morning.

What is your frequent flyer thought? What is your version of that? And what do you want to do about it?

Because these thoughts are not fact. And they aren't necessarily problems that need to be eliminated. They're just information, data, signals that you can respond to.

And the way that you win is by returning to a place of empowerment and agency where you can decide.

I can change the circumstance, or I can change the thought. And which one do I want? All right. If you are stuck in frequent flyer thought patterns and you don't want to figure out how to do this on your own and you want help, I can help you.

Book a free consult. There is always the link in the show notes. I would be pumped to talk with you, teach you how I did this, do this still for myself, do it with my coaching clients and how you can do it too.

All right. That's it. I will talk to you all soon.