166. Before You Decide It’s Not Working

If you’ve ever tried to make a change in your personal life, your career, or your small business and felt like nothing was actually changing, this episode is for you. I’m talking about why your brain may miss the early signs that something is working, especially when the result you want has not fully shown up yet. 

A lot of us are looking for big, in-your-face proof before we trust that something is working, but the early evidence is usually much quieter than that. This episode will help you notice tiny changes that are already happening before you decide it’s not working, start over, or quit altogether. 

What You'll Learn:

• Why “nothing is working” can feel like a fact when it is actually a thought
• How ADHD and executive functioning challenges can make small changes harder to notice
• What to ask yourself before you quit, restart, or decide you are bad at consistency
• How to look for evidence that something is beginning to work
• A simple way to notice small shifts without turning it into a whole new project

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

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Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

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@0:08 - Theresa Harp (Theresa Harp)

Hello podcast listeners. Welcome to today's episode. It's been a while since I've recorded and I've been releasing episodes every week, but I've been batching them as much as I can this summer.

And I love batching, but one of the challenges is then for my brain, it feels like there and there are these gaps between batches where it can be a little, it can feel like a little different when you kind of come back.

So this is my first session of a new batch, so to speak. So if it feels a little different or sounds a little different, maybe that's why I'm getting into the rhythm, so to speak.

Right. But today's episode is about something that Bye-bye. We all can relate to. And if you have ever set a goal or wanted to make a change of some sort in your life, your personal life, your career, your business, whatever it may be, and you feel like nothing actually changes, right?

Maybe you're trying to change your schedule or your parenting, right? Your habits, and it feels like absolutely no progress is happening, then I've got an episode for you.

I'm going to be talking you through why this happens, okay, and more importantly, what you can do about it so that you don't just give up, you know, abandon ship, and feel like a total failure because you're not, all right?

So that's what we're talking. So about today. We're going to be diving in. Are you ready? Let's do this.

All right. Let's talk first about this concept of, you know, why this concept of, of why change seems to be so slow or non-existent.

Okay. There's lots of reasons that this could be, and I'm going to focus primarily on one to two of them today, but I'll offer you this.

Right. We, in the, in the movies, in the movies, in Hollywood, in the stories, right? When the main character goes through some sort of big change, shift, accomplishment, right?

It's typically that part of the dramatic movie and the dramatic scene where it's like the montage, the movie montage where the music is happening and there's no, you know, dialogue and you're seeing the main character like progress, progress, progress, progress.

Right. You're seeing all of that. And that's what we see as we're watching these Hollywood films. And so our brain thinks that that's pretty much how it goes.

Obviously, we know that there is a difference between Hollywood and real life. But wouldn't it be great if we had that movie montage and change just happened that way?

I think it would be for many of us. But it's just not the case. The thing is, change starts with tiny little cues.

For example, pausing before reacting. If you're working on emotional regulation, let's say. Or asking for help instead of being silent and resentful.

Or writing an idea down and putting it in a safe place. Instead of letting the paper just disappear into the void or noticing how much money is coming in instead of only focusing on what is going out, right?

Or being present with your kids for five minutes where typically you might have been completely checked out, right? Those are little tiny cues, but they count.

They may not be the full result yet. They might not be the finish line, but they're evidence. And evidence matters because your brain is constantly building a case.

The reticular activating system is working like a filter. It is the part of your brain that is filtering for what it believes or what is top of mind.

Right. So it's that, you know, example that we always hear like, oh, I'm going to buy, I want to buy a, I don't know.

I want to buy a Honda. I'm going to buy a Honda Civic. I don't even know. Do they even, do they make those still?

I don't know. I'm going to buy a Toyota Camry. And then all of a sudden out in the world on the roads, you see Toyota, Toyota Camry's everywhere.

Right. It's a funny example because there actually are Toyota Camry's everywhere because they're a common car, but you get the idea.

You start to notice what your brain is looking for. And if you aren't looking for the right things, your brain is going to miss these cues.

And we often flip flop for my, especially for those of us, you, we, the collective us, those who are neurodivergent.

And we often say. Think in all or nothing, black or white. It's either working or it's not working. I can do this or I can't do this, right?

So these are some of the little underlying reasons why we are missing out on the evidence. If you are not intentionally looking for the evidence, your brain's going to default to whatever is the loudest or most familiar story, okay?

I want you to think about the ways that this is costing you and where it is showing up. So think about when you set a goal and you quit because progress doesn't feel fast enough, right?

Another reason that I think we often... and fall victim to that sort of movie montage expectation is because we live in a world in which we expect and often get immediate gratification, right?

Just snap my fingers and there it is. Order it and it's there in an hour, right? And our brain starts expecting that, anticipating that.

But when we set a goal and we're working towards something, it's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to be there in an hour.

And so we have to let go of that underlying expectation. We have to adjust our expectations to fit this more realistic scenario, okay?

Other examples of ways that this shows up and ways that it costs you, okay? I can't tell you how many times I have myself and I've coached women who have said, wow,

We put this system into place, but I had a bad day and it didn't work. So back to the drawing board, right?

And you then restart and with a new strategy, new system, new idea, because you believe that the problem was the system and not the day, right?

Or you decide that your revenue strategy in your private practice isn't working because you're not at that full number yet.

You haven't hit that number yet, or you're not hitting it consistently, right? Or you decide, I'm not good at consistency.

I'm not a consistent person. If I could only be more consistent in this, I just need to do it more consistently.

But in reality, you've missed a day or two or a trial or two, right? Like an instance or opportunity, but you're ignoring the 10, 12, 12, 15 times.

where you did the thing, where you repeated the thing and showed up over and over, or you decide that you're a horrible mother, you're failing your kids because you snapped at them, but you're ignoring, meanwhile, all the moments where you slowed down, where you were present and you repaired and connected and chose differently.

And this is particularly tricky for ADHD brains because of the executive functioning challenges. Our executive functioning skills help us with noticing, tracking, remembering, and connecting small cues over time.

And all of those things are impacted by ADHD. So if that's hard for you, you may very well be missing the early signs that something is shifting.

And then nothing. Nothing is working starts to feel like a fact, but nothing is working is not a fact.

It's a thought. It can feel very real. It can feel like a fact, yes, but it is a thought.

It's a perspective. And when you believe it, when you treat it like it's a fact, then you give up.

You abandon your goals or you keep changing strategies before you've even given one strategy enough of an opportunity to actually have an impact.

You totally overlook or discount the progress that you've actually made because you didn't notice it or because it was so small that you didn't think it was enough.

It didn't count. Well, yeah, I did it in this minute, right? Like I did it here, but it was only like that one time.

So that might as well have not. Or you burn energy trying to start over and over or choose a new strategy, find a solution, research, research, research, find the answer, the thing that's going to finally get you the result that you want, plus the load that you place on yourself and the inner thoughts that you have.

About you and your ability to make change or hit a goal. And this is one of the ways, I mean, these are many of the ways where coaching can be so useful because sometimes you need that outside perspective, somebody who is outside of your brain to help you separate fact from interpretation.

Okay, so I'm going to offer, like I said, things that you can do. So, next Differently, so that you don't give up too soon, so that you don't send yourself down a rabbit hole or chasing after shiny objects, and you're able to stay the course and notice the tiny wins, because the tiny wins are what lead to the big change, okay?

All right, so instead of asking yourself, is this working? Or instead of telling yourself, this isn't working, here's what you can do instead.

Another question that you can ask yourself is, what evidence do I have that this is beginning to work? As you ask yourself that question and set out to answer it, what evidence do I have that this is beginning to work?

Anecdotal evidence for talking about here, okay? It's a It's if it's your subjective assessment info, not just the objective assessment info.

Look for the evidence. Imagine that you are on a journey, you're exploring and you are searching for the evidence.

You have to go out and find it. Your brain is going to want to overlook it. Your brain is not going to notice it.

So you have to set out intentionally to go find it and you have to allow yourself credit for the small wins.

Okay. Another question that I want to offer, where is this already happening? Even in a small way, even if I tell myself that it doesn't count or it's not enough, where do I already do this?

I love this question and I have found this to be such like different versions of this question. I have.

I found to be so powerful in my own work-life balance, my own, you know, kind of journey with personal and professional development where I look for what strength I have in one area and how I can apply it somewhere else.

Or if I look for examples or evidence of how I'm able to make a change in one area and then apply it in this one, okay?

So I'm trying to think of an example on the spot that I can offer, and that's never a good tactic for myself.

But looking at, let's see, for example, in my, ah, here we go. In my private practice, when I was practicing as an SLP, I had eventually, I created a weekly workflow where...

I essentially, roughly speaking, knew what I needed to get done that week and I knew when it was going to happen.

So it wasn't, you know, super strict and it didn't always stick to it. But again, practice, not perfection. But I was able to set up some sort of a workflow and rhythm where I knew what was going to get done when and if it didn't happen during that time, it was okay because I knew where I would push it or move it and how I was going to balance it, so to speak, okay?

And when I was starting my coaching practice as a certified coach, the workflow was something that I really struggled with and I felt annoyed.

I felt like I forgot all about, quite frankly, forgot all about how I had that workflow when I was in my private practice.

And I kept asking. myself and telling myself, asking myself, why can't I just, like, why don't I just do what I need to do and know what I need to do during the week in my coaching practice?

Why am I always scrambling? Why can't I just, you know, be on top of things? And was completely ignoring the evidence from this other area of my life, my private practice, and applying it and missing that opportunity to apply it here.

So looking for the evidence that something is already happening, even if it's a small way and even if it's in the past, right, it can be brought forward to support you.

You can also ask yourself, what am I doing now that I wasn't doing before? I might not have the goal accomplished, right?

I might not be at that end result. But what am I doing now that I was And how is that action or how are those actions moving me closer to where I want to be?

And what would I notice if I was trying to prove that I am becoming this person? In Atomic Habits by James Clear, he talks about, I'm paraphrasing here, but he talks about stepping into the identity, like showing up as the person who has the result that you want.

And so if you were, let's say, I also will share this one, it's kind of, it's a little silly, but stay with me.

You can also ask yourself, who do I know, either in real life or like in a movie, on a TV show, in a book, like a character, a personality, who do I know that has that result, that has accomplished?

That thing or that is doing the thing that I want, right? And how would they show up? How can I step into that identity?

Like, what would they be thinking? What would they be doing? Not because you, not to like beat yourself up and not from, you know, a place of I need to be somebody different.

I, you know, it's coming from the place of this is me stepping into this higher level, this high, my higher level self.

It's not fake positivity. It's not about pretending. It's not about, you know, fake it till you make it, right?

It's gathering better data. And as SLPs, we all love data, don't we? Well, some of us do. Some of us hate, hate it.

We hate collecting it, but make it easy, right? Your brain might actually be very good if you give it some practice.

At find. Finding the evidence that I had to pause there and mute because I was about to sneeze and then I just lost it.

So anyway, awkward pause, but that's what that was about. And if you've been here, you know, I don't edit these podcasts.

I just don't. It's not worth my time. All right, back on track. So your brain has had lots of practice at finding evidence that it's not working, that you're overwhelmed, that you're behind, that you're inconsistent, that you're not doing enough.

Lots of practice at that. But now we are changing what we're asking our brain to do, looking for evidence that you're already the kind of person who can move toward this goal.

Right. So let's say you have a goal. of being more present at home, okay? Where did you pause today in your day?

Look at one section of your day. Think about one hour of your day. Think about one routine of your day.

Whatever helps you to elicit that information, right? Where did I pause? I'm pausing here just to give you a little sense of it, right?

Where did I pause today? Or where did I connect? Even if it's for two minutes, it doesn't matter. But where did I actually slow down and connect?

Where did I pause and make eye contact? Where did I repair instead of spiral? So when you slip up, I use that phrase loosely.

But when something didn't go the way that you wanted it to, or you didn't show up the way you wanted to show up, how did you repair it?

How did you not let it completely derail the day, right? These are the micro moments that we need to go out and search for, right?

We have to go out looking for them, and we have to stack them up, because if we don't, our brain is going to tell us it is not working.

So what I want you to do is pick one goal or one area that you want to change, that you've been maybe even working on changing, but you are telling yourself that it isn't happening.

This is not. Okay. Now I want you to ask yourself and notice this, the sentence or the thought that your brain keeps offering you.

A few episodes ago, I have to link to it in the show notes. I did an episode about frequent flyer thoughts.

Don't remember the number. It was only, I don't know, maybe within the last four to six episodes, frequent flyer thoughts.

These thoughts that just kind of show up on repeat. So when you think about this area that you want to change, this goal that you have, what is the chorus of the song in your brain?

What is the thought that keeps showing up? I can't do this. This isn't working. I should be further along.

I'm never going to figure this out. I might as well just let go and give up now. Right? What is that sentence that keeps showing up?

Or if it's hard for you to answer that question, what is the sentence that sounds really loud or feels really strong in your mind, even if it's not on repeat?

Okay. And then underneath it, below that, I want you to either ask yourself or write down, what evidence might I be missing?

You can look for tiny evidence, and I want you to do it in three specific places. Number one, what's already happening, right?

What small results, small wins, small change, small shift is already happening? Number two, where have I done something like this before?

four, what past experience proves is evidence that shows me that I can change, I can learn, I can adapt, I can stick with something that is hard.

And what opportunity is available now that I wouldn't have noticed before? If you really pause and look for it, there are endless opportunities for us to practice showing up as the person who has the result that we want.

There are opportunities everywhere. It's just that they aren't usually these big, loud, in-your-face opportunities. They are subtle. And if you've gotten nothing else from this episode, let it be this, perhaps.

The subtle cues are what we miss. But the subtle ones are what lead to the big, loud ones. Okay?

So again, identify what goal or area you want to change. Notice the thought that your brain... Keeps offering you.

And then ask yourself, what evidence might I be missing? What's already happening? And what opportunity is available now that I wouldn't have noticed before?

This can be simple. It doesn't have to be a big journal, consistent thing that you do all the time, unless you love that, in which case, go for it.

But for most of us, it could just be in your mind. It could be while you're driving. It could be a journal entry.

It could be talking out loud. It could be a reflection in the shower. It doesn't matter, right? But it counts.

The point is that to make these cues visible so that your brain has something to hold on to when your results have not shown up yet.

The big shift here in this episode, I hope, is that progress does not always show up clearly, loudly, and boldly.

It sometimes, most of the time, I might say, shows up as little wins, a moment that you paused, a note that you wrote down and captured, right?

An email that you responded to, a report that you submitted on time, a small amount of money that you saved, or a small amount of money that you did not spend, right?

A moment where you didn't quit. Those are the things that are easy to dismiss, but they're the early cues that change is happening.

Especially if your brain wants big, loud proof before it believes that anything is working, this is for you. You have to go and look for the evidence that you're becoming the person who can create the results that you want.

And if you're in a season where you have a goal that you're going after, maybe you're trying to grow your private practice, or you're trying to get it up off the ground, or you're trying to run your business and still be present at home, and you don't want to keep running a million miles an hour and white-knuckling your way to an outcome, to a goal, this is exactly what we do in coaching.

We look at actual facts, not thoughts, of what's happening in your real business, your real life. Not just what your brain offers you.

We find the evidence, the patterns, and the places where the systems are breaking down or they're not working optimally.

And I help you identify the next shift that matches your capacity and moves the needle towards the goal that you want and the person you are becoming.

You absolutely do not have to do this alone. If you want support applying this to your actual life, reach out, schedule a call, and I'll talk you through what coaching would look like for you.

All right, that's it for this episode. I will see you all soon.